By Parker Wilde
The Ultimate Yet Very Concise Fashion Rule Book
We all know people who have gained weight (gasp!) at one or more points in their lives. This is very unfortunate … but not for the reasons that you’re thinking of.
The simple reason is that because you can’t let out your clothes more than a half of an inch, you can’t enjoy your old favorite duds without discomfort or bad self-esteem. The remedy is … NEW CLOTHES! Everybody wants new clothes but don’t want to let go of their old tag sizes. Just remember: Tags are removable. Nobody has to see what clothing size you are.
If you are committed to lose the weight you gained, that’s great! You do what’s good for you. I’m in this boat and didn’t want to size up. At first I was in denial. When that phase went away, I decided to commit to ditching the weight not only to feel comfortable in my own skin but to try to avoid another battle with high blood pressure and high cholesterol. That being said, if you don’t want the weight that you lose to quickly come back and laugh in your face, don’t rush your weight loss. A 1-2 lbs per month loss is about the quickest you want to ditch that won’t be as likely to spring back up. This brings us to …
Losing weight is a loooong battle. It’s going to be a while before you drop a couple of sizes. Do you really want to keep wearing those tight, restricting, unflattering clothes? Probably not. Nothing makes you feel fat more than struggling to zip your old pants. Get new clothing, this time in your current size. Browse sale racks if you are truly committed to whittling down. The benefits of getting clothes in your current size are amazing. Suddenly you feel comfortable. You can stretch or reach up without worry of popping a seam. You’ll quickly forget about the number on your shirt or pants’s tag. And if you do accomplish losing weight, you can have your clothes altered to your new dimensions so you get to keep your new clothes and fit back into your old clothes!
Now for the fashion rules for people who feel too big and want to look more svelte.
1. “Wear a monochromatic outfit to make you look more slender”: Do you really want to look like a crayon? Probably not. Ditch this rule.
2. “Wear black from head to toe. Black is incredibly slimming”: Do you really want to look like a gothic crayon? Please please please say no. Definitely ditch this rule.
3. “Don’t wear big or little prints. They make you look wider”: No creative license with your own goddamned body? Oh hell no. Ditch this.
4. “For heaven’s sake don’t wear horizontal stripes! You’ll look wider than a bus!”: Yeeeeeaaaah no. If you like stripes, wear stripes. Forget this rule.
5. “Don’t wear bright colors, especially on your bottom half. You’ll look like … I don’t know. A neon heifer?”: I have no words for this rule. I do have a few pairs of bright colored pants to shove up this rule’s a… Nevermind. Ditch it.
6. “Don’t wear boxy tops, form fitted tops, sleeveless tops, crop tops, skinny jeans, slim leg pants, wide leg trousers, mini skirts, maxi skirts, but DO wear low-cut tops because your cleavage is only the curve on you that’s acceptable, blah blah blah, etc., etc., ad nauseam”: Okay?… Okay. Let’s be very frank. When you wear any of these styles and look into a mirror, do you feel like you look good? That’s a good signal that you actually look good and have the confidence to wear them with pride. Confidence is a rule-changer. If you have enough of it you can wear anything and look and, more importantly, feel great. Ditch all these mothaflippin rules.
Here I am, two sizes larger than two years ago, wearing rule-breaking apparel (that I got on clearance sale). I look and feel fabulous and I honestly don’t care about what rule books or people think. To me, these are great looks at this weight and they will still be great looks when I shrink down and alter these garments.